


Blink Back

by aka_mikeyway



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon Urie - Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Post split, Post-Break Up, Ryan Ross - Freeform, Ryden, Sad, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, cape town, mentions of fob - Freeform, mentions of other band members - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 08:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aka_mikeyway/pseuds/aka_mikeyway
Summary: Brendon gets called as Ryan's emergency contact by a local hospital. This was a few years after the break up of their band.





	1. beginning

There's nothing more horrifying than being called by a hospital because you're someone's emergency contact. 

Except if you were Brendon Boyd Urie, and the person being called about was George Ryan Ross.

When he received the call, his stomach turned to lead and his mind started growing fuzzy- jumping to conclusions before hearing any actual news. 

When the call was over he didn't feel any better. What was going on?

He hadn't spoken to Ryan- a proper conversation- since that horrible day in Cape Town when he told Brendon that he'd be leaving.

Brendon didn't want to talk to him after that, because Ryan had completely destroyed him, and left him emotionally broken. Even if he didn't want to admit it.

They had been dating- but it was extremely private. Just because it wasn't public didn't mean it hurt Brendon any less when Ryan broke it off when he split the band apart.

Brendon had been crushed. It was incredibly unforgettable. He remembered almost ever word that Ryan spoke when he called it off abruptly. When he left without a glance behind him.

If he had looked behind him, he would've noticed a broken boy in his wake. Not to mention fans. Brendon's pain was arguably more intense than all of the music listeners combined- because he had lost the only person he'd ever loved.

He still wasn't really over Ryan and what he did. Ryan left this tragic lasting affect. Whenever Brendon remembered anything about him, he was ruined. He couldn't think of being with anyone that wasn't Ryan. 

Ryan was the one. Past tense intended. 

Although he wasn't planning on being with anyone else anytime soon, he was okay with the fact that he knew they were over, and that they'd never be together again. He still missed him and his company though.

Because it was all over- and Brendon hadn't been in contact with him for ages for a very specific reason. He was afraid that he'd relapse if he saw Ryan again- and he'd be pulled back to how hurt he was, and all his progress to get over Ryan would be destroyed.

He'd fall in love again, at the blink of an eye. At the flutter of Ryan's eyelashes over his whisky brown eyes.

Brendon thought that he'd never hear from Ryan again- because he made it pretty clear that Brendon wasn't his top priority, and that they weren't destined to succeed as a couple.

And then, Brendon found out that he was still Ryan's emergency contact. 

There's no way that Ryan forgot to change that after the years they hadn't talked. You had to update those things. So why was Brendon there? Was Spencer still there? Jon obviously was.

Brendon had no clue what was going on.

But he had to go to the hospital. It didn't matter if Ryan had hurt him, and made him cry for months on end and had left him in a perpetual state of sadness. Ryan was in critical condition- according to the phone call he received. 

He couldn't leave the previous love of his life like that. Alone, in a horrible condition.

So, against all his feelings and genuine logic, he drove to the hospital to see his ex-bestfriend and past lover.

\----

He arrived at ICU about an hour after he spent his time contemplating the call.

After finding his way to the counter, he let slip a name he hadn't spoken without bitterness for months. "Ryan Ross." His throat felt dry and his speech crackled lightly like a popping firework. "I-I'm here because I'm, uh, his emergency contact." He spoke unsurely, as if they had called the wrong number- despite him checking if they had the wrong person about seven times.

The woman behind the counter let a friendly and practiced smile appear on her face. "You must be the man I called, Brendon Urie, correct?" She asked him in turn.

He nodded, again, in an unsure manner. As if he didn't remember his own name and surname. 

"Mr. Ross is just this way, if you'll follow me." She gestured behind her, walking out from the front desk. 

Brendon's feet remained planted to the ground and his body stayed stiff. He knew it would happen, but he still couldn't bring himself to think about the fact that he was going to see Ryan. Or worse, Ryan with an unknown injury. 

All Brendon knew is that he'd have to face him- and he wasn't ready to do say- and that he was in unfortunately poor circumstances. 

The nurse's smile faltered as she saw how hesitant Brendon was. "Mr. Urie, are you okay?"

He cleared his throat, and in spite of absolutely every voice in his head screaming and pleading for him to turn around and leave, he nodded, and told her to lead the way.

Brendon followed the nurse at a steady and slow pace. Every step he took, his stomach twisted more, as if to wring out all the good feelings like water out of a cloth.

Before they walked through the doorway, the woman stopped him with an apologetic smile. "Sir, I'd like to make you aware of his condition before you enter."

"Ok-kay." Brendon got out, embarrassed by his nervousness. Ryan wasn't supposed to do this to him anymore. He was supposed to be over Ryan.

"We know that your friend tried to overdose on pain killers... what we don't know is why." She spoke, and Brendon's stomach felt even heavier than it did when he received the call in the first place.

He felt his heart shatter into a thousand smaller pieces- the heart he'd somehow managed to glue together after Ryan broke it the first time.

Now here he was, his body and mind in genuine pain after he received the information. 

No matter how much he tried to deny it, Ryan was still his boy, and the greatest person that had ever been in his life. 

Now Ryan had tried to end his.

Brendon couldn't believe it, as tears started to prick at his eyes. He wiped them quickly, trying not to show that he still cared too much for Ryan. He had always cared too much. 

The nurse had a sad smile on her face. "You can go in now. Please ask someone if you need anything. If you want me, call for Nurse Davids."

Brendon swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded shakily. The woman left him to his own devices after that.

He stood outside the room for a few moments, breathing unsteadily. 

Brendon pushed every thought from his mind. Thoughts of anger after Ryan had left, thoughts of sadness that his heart was destroyed, thoughts of depression that lasted months after he had left, thoughts of bitterness that were so clear in the third album, thoughts of never ending love that he wouldn't truly stopped feeling. He hated those thoughts, he decided, as he finally walked into the plain hospital room.

His breath hitched as soon as he saw Ryan, still as beautiful as the last day Brendon saw him.

Brendon would never forget this moment in his life- it was too irreversible and too unreal. He was seeing Ryan after so long. He was with Ryan again. No matter the circumstances, Brendon would cherish the situation. 

Ryan tilted his head over to look at whoever breathed so harshly, he definitely didn't expect to see Brendon. 

He should've known it was going to happen- but he still didn't see it coming. He had put off removing Brendon from his emergency contacts, because that would be another way that he would remove his ex-friend from his life, and he wasn't prepared for that. It was his final connection and it was a stupid idea. He kept on putting it off and telling himself that there wouldn't be a time where the contacts had to be used- he was obviously wrong.

To his defence, though, he wasn't supposed to live long enough to even think about who'd be called if he did survive. He took those pills by impulse, the image of Brendon's broken features in Cape Town burned in his mind as if it was a fresh memory. He blacked out with the thought of a heaven with Brendon- a world where he never messed up and left the man he loved more than anything else.

But, much to his annoyance and regret, he woke up, and realised that Brendon would be the first person called by the hospital. A part of him still thought Brendon would say 'no' to seeing him, or that he changed his number. But all of those thoughts dissipated as he saw the face of the man he had never stopped loving.

He quickly realised that there's no way Brendon would leave him like this, because he, too, was in love back then.

"Ryan." His voice came out as a kind of gasp as he slowly walked towards the bed.

Ryan thought he'd burst into tears. His insides started to burn at his name being said by Brendon. He hadn't heard it in years and he didn't realise how much he missed something as simple as that.

Ryan said nothing, but he did weakly tilt his hand towards a chair that was to the side of where he sat. Brendon took it and sat down.

There was silence- an awkward and eerie one.

Ryan looked down at his white bed sheets, thinking about how he regretting trying suicide. He was unhappy beyond belief and he couldn't bring himself to be half the man he was when he was still in the band. He didn't regret his decision- he regretted how sloppy the job was, and that it reached the point that an old friend was called. 

He couldn't even commit suicide without failing. Add that to the list: failing a band after Panic! at the Disco, failing at keeping the one love of his life, failing at trying to date again, failing at being happy, failing at being anything but being a member of a band that took the world by storm. 

He shifted, his eyes laying on the inside of his wrists, the scars from his previous attempts lay faded and soft against his skin. He decided that this method was too slow, and opted for the other one that failed him.

Ryan could feel Brendon staring at him. His gaze causing Ryan's body to tingle like TV static was underneath his skin. His brain started to cloud. Images of a happier time filled his brain. Memories of when that stare used to be in an admiring way. A loving way.

This time the stare was all fake sympathy and forced words.

"Ryan." Brendon repeated, his voice was like Ryan remembered. It was soothing- he could think back to so many nights that his voice sang him to sleep. "I'm not going to ask why. You can tell me later if you're okay with it."

Later. Brendon was implying that he'd be sticking around. Ryan was confused at that, but remained silent. There was a lingering feeling in the air that said he had more to say.

"I-I know that we, uh, haven't spoken in months... maybe years, but I don't th-think I... I don't think I can." He paused and cursed under his breath like he used to do habitually. "I don't want to leave you on your own, okay?" He clarified.

Ryan nodded without looking up.

The statement brought a sober feeling into the room, and it dawned on both of them that this was fucking happening. They were in the same room again- the dynamic duo, the inseparable pair, the dream team. 

Brendon wasn't planning on leaving Ryan alone in his vulnerable state, and all that Ryan wanted was for Brendon to comfort him like he used to. 

"How long are you going to be here for?" Brendon asked Ryan gingerly, as if the question might cause Ryan to shout at him. He was always like this with Ryan- skittering around questions despite Ryan never actually yelling at him, not even once. Until Cape Town, that is. Maybe he was still scared of that day.

Ryan pursed his lip, swallowed the spit in his mouth, and looked up at Brendon for the first time since he had sat down. "Three days." Three days until he was going to be allowed alone with himself, despite trying to kill himself two days earlier, and despite getting his stomach pumped. 

His voice was the same too. Still delicate and gentle, as if he had a volume notch that got stuck quarter way and he couldn't get louder if he tried.

Brendon sighed loudly, his hands rubbed at his face in a tired manner. He was thinking long and hard about his words, and he knew he would hate the decision to speak them, but he did so anyway. 

"I can't let you be by yourself. Do you have someone you can stay with?" Of course he didn't. His emergency number was Brendon's and Jon was living with his pregnant wife two states away. They'd Skype often, but it was never the same. It never offered the comfort that Ryan needed to pull through.

"No." He replied dryly, not knowing where this would go.

Brendon closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath in. "Then I'll stay with you. I can't just-" He huffed. "I can't let this happen again. I still care about you." He admitted solemnly. "A lot. You were my best friend above anything else, and no matter how much you leaving hurt me, I'll never stop caring for you. I wouldn't ever want to be the person they called if you'd somehow succeeded at doing this."

This is not how Ryan wanted to hear those words. He wanted Brendon to show up on his doorstep in the rain and tell him that he loved him and forgave him. Then they'd kiss in the downfall of water. Call him cliché, but this was the last way he'd thought it'd happen. 

In a hospital after he'd tried to off himself.

"Um. I don't know, Brendon." Brendon felt a wave of nostalgia envelop him at Ryan pronouncing his name. It was so pretty coming from his lips. "I think that's a little dangerous." He replied cautiously, leave it to him to be the brains of the bunch. Like always.

"I can't let you hurt yourself. And as much as I'd like to- I don't trust you." Ryan felt like those words had a strong undertone of the past, rather than just his recent attempt to kill himself. 

"O-okay. Fine." Ryan chocked out and Brendon nodded shortly. 

"I'm off tour." Mentioning the band was cruel but necessary. "I'll pack a bag to stay at your place and I'll pick you up in exactly three days. Alright?"

Ryan bit down lightly on his lip. "Yeah. Alright."

\----

And just like that, like he had jinxed himself by saying it'd happen, Brendon was in love again.

It was difficult to block out all the things you loved about someone when they were right there in front of your eyes.

He couldn't help himself and he fucking hated it.

Ryan Ross had never really lost his heart in the first place.


	2. middle

Ryan had always been a decent artist. Maybe his paintings weren't up to par with his music writing- but they were great nonetheless. 

It had been a ritual (ever since he lost the sleeve of one of his Metallica records) to paint the cover for all of the records he owned. They were drawings of things from the album or things about the artist, or things that reminded him of the track list.

It was beyond nostalgic for Brendon to look at the records. 

He immediately noticed a Frank Sinatra sleeve that had an old hand gun and a fedora on it- it was pure symbolism of his time in mobs. He got sad remembering how much they'd listened to that together and how scratched the record became from dragging it along everywhere. Even now he could see that the sleeve was worn and had dog-ears on the corners.

He also recognised Fall Out Boy's From Under The Cork Tree because it had stars and constellations all over it. Jon, Andy, Patrick, Spencer and Ryan had all star-gazed and discussed the contents of it. At least, that's what they told the guys that weren't there during the time.

He carried on looking at the old and new record covers. He was a curious soul and opened some up to see Halsey and Fall Out Boy's newer albums each with separate designs.

Then he came across two that struck a chord with him. Two that he had partaken in. Two that he sung on. They were stuffed right at the back of the collection- almost as if Ryan had thought 'out of sight, out of mind'.

The first and foremost was A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. The cover was painted red and had a golden and white costume mask- Brendon could see his own eyes behind the holes in the mask. It was just the mask and his eyes. He remembered posing for it, and his heart suddenly became heavier. 

Next was Pretty. Odd. that also had Brendon as a model. Only his hands were in the picture- face up- and they were scattered with flowers like the cover of the actual album. It was fun trying to find the right photos on that day.

The next records in the pile were new.

The first one was very intriguing- Ryan was front and centre (from his elbows up) in a proper suit, but was crying. His tears were streaming down his painted face and were dripping onto the bottom of the picture- filling the square from the bottom up like a cup of water. Ryan was flooded until his shoulders.

The second one had a scarily accurate looking human heart- veins and all. It was punctured on its right side, and was bleeding bright rainbow colours.

The third and final one had, simply, a man sitting with his back to Brendon. He was sitting at a grand piano all alone. It was solitary and desolate looking. 

He was about to pull the records from their sleeves, but he heard Ryan clear his throat behind him- causing Brendon to jump and place all the music in its respective places.

"Morning." Brendon said, and was surprised at how sad it sounded. Seeing these covers had reminded him of how brilliant and talented Ryan was- and brought back a lot of amazing moments that had previously been ruined by the break up.

"Good Morning." Ryan said in return, walking over to Brendon to hand him a cup of coffee.

He sipped on the one in his own hands as Brendon thanked him quietly. They made sure not to make any actually hand to hand contact.

Those actions reminded both men of how it all used to be. This was every morning off tour. They would stay together and greet each other every morning with tired voices and warm drinks before the start of the day. Brendon had always remembered his morning voice and had done his best to never forget it- because it was and still is one of his favourite sounds.

"Um, Ryan. What are those ones?" He asked, gesturing to the ones he was looking at not too long ago.

Ryan peered over at them but immediately looked away, his eyes flickering back to his black coffee that reminded him of how dark Brendon's eyes could get.

"Why do they look so... morbid?" Brendon asked softly, as if Ryan was the most fragile thing in the world. He arguably was very fragile at the time.

"Bren." He tested the name and sighed gladly when Brendon didn't say anything about it. Brendon thought it sounded right coming from his lips after all those years. "I, uh, I wasn't in a good place when I bought and designed those. I, I was depressed." He admitted, taking a seat on his couch- opposite the collection and where Brendon was standing. 

"Oh. What are they?" He asked, sitting next to the lanky and now extremely thin man.

He had always been strangely skinny, but now, because of his health and mental problems, he had starved himself. 

Ryan pursed his lips and remained silent, sipping on his drink. 

"Ry?" Brendon knew he was avoiding this at all costs and it only made Brendon more interested. He'd always been annoyingly curious. 

"Yeah?" Ryan bluffed. He also ignored the use of the treasured nickname.

"Are they, um, are they-" He cut himself off and shook his head.

Ryan rose from his seat and placed his mug down, taking the other man by surprise. 

He walked over to his opened boxes of records and pulled out the three that were being talked about.

He took the self portrait and handed it to Brendon without a word.

Brendon took it from him gingerly, afraid that his guesses were correct. 

He pulled the large plastic disc from its sleeve and exhaled shakily upon seeing the name that decorated the middle of it.

Vices & Virtues

Brendon had to chew on his bottom lip to keep tears from escaping his eyes because of his sudden and intense emotions.

Ryan had said he was depressed when he made this cover- meaning he probably felt as bad about the break up as Brendon did. Their personal break up aswell as the bands. 

Judging by the fact that this album was his, he suspected the others were too- and his suspicions were declared correct when Ryan wordlessly removed them from their sheaths- revealing Too weird to live and Death of a Bachelor. 

This all meant that for him to be in a bad place for doing all of their covers, he must have been depressed for an awfully long time.

He had been in so much irreversible pain that it made Brendon want to hug his frail body and never let go. He'd pull away when they both didn't remember what had happened and the decisions that Ryan regretted. 

"Oh, Ry." Brendon finally spoke in a chocked whisper, placing the records on the counter so that he could freely bring his hands to his mouth and he let out a soft sob.

Ryan placed the others down too.

"I-I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to dwell on you for so long, it's j-just, I just... I missed you so much and I-I couldn't ever go b-b-back to feeling as happy as I was with you. I don't think I'll e-ever feel the same." He spoke truthfully, not double checking if he'd hate himself for saying the words later.

When Ryan was sad he didn't sob, he just stayed quiet and stuttered too much. Tripping over his voice and emotions.

"Don't be sorry. I shouldn't have been so bitter to you. I could've helped. We could've gotten through this together. But I just abandoned you!" He cried, tears now sliding down his reddening face.

When Brendon got sad he let the emotions and tears out, but made sure to form every word so that he wasn't misunderstood. 

"None of th-that would have happened if I just stayed with you- stayed w-with the band." Ryan spoke, his voice only showing how utterly distraught and broken up about the subject he was. "I r-regret it everyd-day of my life."

They stayed silent, just the sound of toned down crying from Brendon could be heard. They didn't make any movement to get closer or comfort each other. They just remained still and distanced. 

"R-Ryan." Brendon stuttered for the first time in a while.

Ryan looked up with tears in his eyes- he didn't cry very often. Though crying about Brendon was not unusual. He just wasn't there, normally. 

"Do you listen to the third album often?" He asked shakily.

Ryan swallowed spit down his dry throat and nodded slowly.

"Have you heard the song Always?" He enquired again, this time, his hand reaching out delicately to touch Ryan's boney shoulder.

He nodded again, too scared to say that it was his favourite song on the album and that he'd sobbed over it a few times.

"It was for you. It was all written for you."

Before Ryan knew what was happening, his arms were wrapping around Brendon like they always used to- fitting around his small frame like they belonged as a part of him. 

Brendon leaned in and put his head against Ryan's chest, sobbing gently into his old shirt. 

When Brendon was no longer looking at him, Ryan let his tears fall, some dripped down his face and onto the top Brendon's head that was pressed tightly against his body. Neither of them cared. 

It was all going to be okay if they could hold each other again.


	3. end

Brendon swore off crying about Ryan so long ago. It was after he released Vices. That's when he swore off Ryan and all he ever did.

Yet there he was, wrapped up in Ryan, crying his heart out for what seemed like hours.

They'd been with each other for a little over two weeks, and sometimes Brendon still found himself breaking down at this whole situation- despite him being there to be the stronger of the two.

Ryan had not gotten close to relapsing in the time Brendon was around. Mostly because there was absolutely no point when Brendon would just find him before he could really do it.

Another part of it was that he had finally learnt the truth about Brendon's feelings. 

After the break up, he had always been so fucking cold and emotionless when it came to Ryan in the public eye, never revealing too much and never remaining suspiciously silent. 

He never touched on how he felt about it, instead stating facts in an emotionally disconnected and distant fashion. This led Ryan to quickly believe that Brendon was indifferent about the fall out.

Brendon would recall stories of the pre-split band and smile fondly- but Ryan could always see the ice cold chill in his warm smile.

He always thought that Brendon had gotten over him, and that he was the idiot for being hung up and caught up in his depression over someone who just didn't love him anymore.

Clearly not, because the split had a bigger affect on the singer than revealed. Brendon was crushed and heartbroken, the same as his ex boyfriend and ex best friend. 

Oh how he fucking regretted the decision to leave. All because of the different musical genres they wanted to explore. Just because they'd split the band. All of this for music that Ryan had stopped caring about when it didn't involve Brendon. 

Regret was a key part in his life, it seemed.

He felt Brendon's back shudder against his chest, and he pulled him in tighter, their bodies pressed against one another. Ryan held him protectively and leaned his head behind Brendon's, leaving a gentle kiss on the back of his neck as he intertwined their legs.

It was clear to see that this wound- for Brendon- was as fresh as the first day it was inflicted. 

Brendon was more largely hurt that Ryan would have ever thought, and now, despite the situation being Ryan's fault mostly, he blamed himself.

He blamed himself for them falling apart, and he blamed himself for Ryan's depression because he knew Ryan had a history of mental health problems, he blamed himself for the suicide attempt, he blamed himself for the starvation and eating disorders. He placed the world of problems on his back and now it was taking its toll.

Although Ryan knew Brendon was here to make sure he didn't relapse, he knew that Brendon also needed the help.

So they held each other, taking turns in apologising too many times, and crying horribly about their incredible mistakes. 

"If I had one regret in life, Brendon, it'd be leaving you, abandoning you." Ryan whispered just loud enough over Brendon's tears, which were dying down. 

"If I had one rerget, it'd be letting it happen." Brendon answered back, sniffling softly. 

They were silent for an awfully long time, but that was nothing new. In fact, their previous relationship was mostly silent anyways, just keeping each other company as they smoked their lives away and wrote more music. It reminded Ryan too much of the past, so he decided to break it.

"Do you ever think we could've made it?" Ryan asked in a whisper.

Brendon didn't speak for a while, he instead shifted over so that he was facing Ryan, their foreheads centimetres from touching.

Ryan brought his hand to Brendon's then, locking their fingers and tangling their legs again.

Ryan's light honey eyes met Brendon's darker hot chocolate ones. "I think we would've lasted forever." And practically, with a lot of positivity and hopefulness, it probably would have.

Ryan searched his eyes for something, he didn't know what, but he found himself doing it often nowadays. He used to take his beautiful eyes for granted when they were together last, and now he felt like he had to stare forever to make up for lost time.

Brendon returned his stare, because he had always loved Ryan's eyes. They were kind of like the colour of his old darkwood acoustic guitar, mixed with little golden flakes stolen straight from Midas himself- but it changed all the time, that was just one moment. He'd shift in the dim light and it'd change. Brendon found himself trying to find comparisons to every change. His eyes sometimes looked like caramel, sometimes like whiskey, often like milk chocolate and seldom- but sometimes- like honey. He always liked them because they were never the same, and changed along with everything else around them. They weren't something that were very constant. 

"Do you think we could make it now?" Ryan asked, it wasn't particularly hopeful, and he enquired it without really thinking. It was just as a matter of interest.

"If we tried." Brendon answered truthfully, sighing softly. "I hated you for such a long time. Until I realised I was just hating myself for letting you leave. And with that acceptance I kind of also came to the conclusion that I'd never stop loving you. You could destroy the world and I'd love you. I could get married and still have you in my heart. I could live in a parallel universe and still somehow track you down and fall all over again. My heart could stop fucking beating all together and it'd still belong to you. You need to understand how badly you hurt me, and that I'm sorry for hurting you- but also just know that I love you. I always have and I always will. Because it was always you."

Ryan was now chocking back tears as he continued to share a gaze, Brendon's intense speech still processing in his mind. 

He bit down on his lip as his eyes became glossy. "Brendon, I never stopped thinking about how I still loved you. Not for one day, not for a single moment. You were always the one. I couldn't move on if I tried, so I just contemplated how much of an idiot I was for letting you go. For almost seven whole god damn years, my life was spent thinking about you and only you. How much I missed your laugh and your voice and your smile. You were still doing all of those things, but I had fucked up so bad that I believed I'd never see them again- and I couldn't cope with that. I couldn't cope without you. I know that pinning all of this on you is stupid and irresponsible and horrible of me to do. Just know that It wasn't you that caused my depression and attempt, it was me and my stupid, irrational decision. I can't say sorry enough to you or myself for what I've done, and I don't think I've ever wanted to reverse my actions any more than I did. We left each other on such bad terms in Cape Town that I literally had no clue how to apologise, and I spent a solid month trying to convince myself that my decision was for the best- and by that time I realised I was kidding myself, you were so far out of my reach, and there was no way I'd be able to reverse what I had done. So I just sat there, for seven years, still in love with you."

By that time, both of them were full on crying, tears escaping their brown eyes at the emotive words coming from each other's lips.

"I-I..." Brendon started, his eyes squeezing shut before flickering up to look at Ryan. "I wish I could say something worth while." He admitted, closing his eyes again.

Ryan wiped tears from Brendon's cheeks, the feeling not bringing his eyes to open. "Say that you still want this. Please." Ryan spoke desperately. 

Brendon opened his eyes and glanced at how his face was now in Ryan's large hands. 

"I still want this." He spoke shakily. "I really do."

Ryan felt a sad smile appear on his face as he placed his forehead against Brendon's finally. 

"Brendon, you can't just say that because you're vulnerable. I need to know that we won't have to go through this again." Ryan whispered so quietly that it was almost inaudible.

"Ryan, I still love you. I can't suppress that. I love you." 

Ryan's big brown eyes softened as his face spread into the first real smile he'd had in such a long time that it was worrying. Although it was tainted by tears and sorrow and so much more, it was a smile nonetheless. 

It was a pure gesture that Brendon recognised to be Ryan's real happy face. He'd seen it so often before, and after all these years it had never changed. 

It was so soft, and bright, and gorgeous.

"I love you too." He replied, causing a brilliant tear stained grin to appear on Brendon's face.   
And after almost a decade of waiting, there they were together, like they always used to be.

Except this was new. This was after so many years of depression and times of doubt. This was after nights of crying and endless days of horrible thoughts.

But somehow, this seemed to feel better than all of those times before. They survived- barely- through all of that sadness, and still found it in their hearts to never stop loving each other. 

As their lips finally touched after all those years of pain, it all felt worth it. 

Ryan would do anything to feel that kind of kiss forever, and Brendon would do everything to make that happen.


End file.
